Note: If you have been  abused, this article may trigger a response – memories, anxiety, nightmares. Please read with care.

What It’s About

Shame is thoughts and feelings about who you are.

It involves feeling unworthy of respect or positive consideration by others. Feeling like you deserve to be judged and criticised. Feeling embarrassed in front of others.

Shame is almost always a problem from people who’ve had harmful childhood experiences or abusive partnerships. For both children and adults alike, they feel like something is wrong with them, that they are partially to blame, or somehow caused others to mistreat them.

Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for something you did wrong.

It involves feeling like they are in some part, to blame. Like they could have stopped it. Like, maybe it would have been different if only. 

Survivors often times feel guilty, because they feel they did something wrong which caused them to be assaulted. A common theme, for example, “I should have known better… I shouldn’t have been alone with him/her…I shouldn’t have pissed him/her off…” They feel guilty because it seems like their actions caused the assault.

“I’m So Ashamed…I’ve Never Told Anyone This.”

There are many levels of shame after having been abused. Even though rationally a victim may realize that it wasn’t their fault, shame can still exist.

For boys and men, having unwanted or abusive experiences totally conflicts with how males are “supposed” to be. Society tells young men they are not supposed to be dominated, let alone victims, especially sexually. Or that they shouldn’t experience vulnerable emotions, especially fear and sadness. This creates a huge burden in the lives of young men and affects what and how they think/feel about themselves.

For girls and women, the messages are very different and muddied with confusing and conflicting stereotypes. Society teaches that a women is defined by her sexuality, more specifically by how boys and men experience her sexuality – as something good or bad. As something that renders her worthy of respect and care or, instead, warranting exploitation and abuse. In these twisted views, some girls and women “deserve” to be ‘taught a lesson’ for sexually frustrating men. Or for acting like they’re better than men. Or for allegedly being unworthy of respect (because they’re a ‘slut’ or ‘whore’).

All of these degrading stereotypes add an additional layer of shame for the victims of assault and it becomes a powerfully destructive force.

Why Abuse Survivors Experience Shame & Guilt After Abuse

Unfortunately, people who are physically abusive tend to also be emotionally and psychologically abusive. This means abusers will not only assault their victims but also try and blame their victims for the abuse, then take them on an emotional rollercoaster from hell.  The emotional and psychological abuse plays a huge role in feeling shame and guilt.

Psychological Abuse

Name calling, yelling, insulting, intimidating, ignoring, isolating, belittling, and mocking are all signs and symptoms of psychological abuse.

“How dare you…”

“It’s your fault.”

“Why would you make me do that?”

Abusers are great at gaslighting, or making you feel like you’re going crazy. They use all their tricks are skillful in their delivery. Even when survivors rationally know that they are not to blame for the problem, repeated exposure to this form of abuse can make these concepts seep into your subconscious, leading to feelings of guilt after abuse.

Emotional Abuse

Humiliation, denial of the abuse, threats to self or others, intimidation, and mocking are all signs of emotional abuse.

“If you loved me…”

“No one will ever believe you.”

“I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”

The cycle of abuse typically involves a cooling off period in which the abuser will beg and plead for forgiveness. They will promise to get help, they will promise it’s the last time, and sometimes they will make threats in order to keep their partner around. Some time will go by and they will be on their best behavior and it can be very convincing.

Shame and guilt are deeply embedded in victims who stay in abusive relationships. Society judges and asks brazen questions like, “why the heck would you stay?” But the answers are never easy to explain or simple.

How to Move Past Shame & Guilt After Abuse

Unfortunately, there is no magic pill for this. Moving past shame and guilt is an ongoing process but it can be achieved. It may be time to revisit some of those trusty tools in your toolbox or learn new skills.

Remind yourself that it’s not your fault

Sometimes we know the abuse was not our fault but we’ve subconsciously internalized it. Actively reminding yourself that you were not to blame for the abuse can be a helpful reminder. Make it your mantra!

“Healing is possible.”

Write it down, post it up on your bathroom mirror and repeat it 1000 times a day if you have to.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is an incredible tool against feelings of shame after abuse. Like a poison, toxic shame need to be neutralized by another substance – an antidote. Self-compassions is clinically proven to help survivors of abuse by decreasing anxiety and other associated symptoms.

Find a trusted trauma therapist

Many survivors hold off on seeking therapy. Maybe you don’t feel ready to talk about the trauma, or perhaps you’re are experiencing panic attacks or extreme anxiety even thinking about reaching out. Please, don’t let shame hold you back. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Think of therapy as a gift you’re giving yourself. Finding a trusted companion who will do the work with you. Seek support from someone who really wants to know what you’re experiencing and how they can help.  Take a look at here to find a trauma therapist in your area.